||[02 Mar 2005|10:37pm]
(Le) Starcrossed, Defiance 40. Such the hot conversation piece it would seem. But then again, they never were officially out of the limelight at any point, in my opinion.
I have some things to say. First off, I'm really sick, so bear with me as I trudge forth with my incoherent sentence structures and words not found in the english dictionary. I feel it's about time to be brutally honest with everybody. So here I go. Butcher me accordingly.
I remember the days when I had long, dyed red hair parted unflatteringly down the middle. I remember when I used to wear fleece sweaters from Old Navy in gross, pastel colors and play camera tag in Krissy's back yard. I remember when anime was it. I remember when I was just so sad, what with all my teenage angst and awkwardness and why why why don't the boys like me? Maybe it's because I have bad skin or listen to Linkin Park. The scene? Oh, you mean, like, goths? Punks? Yeah, moshing is cool. When you say dancing it makes me think of ballrooms, or, like, grinding all up on each other. There was no xcorex anything. You didn't have to fight to stay "posi". And in a barn on a summer night was the first time I got to experience Defiance 40. Those fucking guys. I remember Audrey telling me about them before we were really friends, about how cool they were. And yeah, they were.
And I remember sitting in Zach's basement with Audrey, pretending to not be helplessly boy-crazy, watching those four gentlemen thrashing around like animals. Except for Evan. He usually just bobbed his head once in a while. We used to do Zach-screaming-poses in places he couldn't see us and be impressed with all the shades of red his face would turn. I was a freshman in highschool and this was something new. Although, I wish my fashion sense wouldn't have been so poor.
And to be honest with you, I can't remember a lot about that time. It was, afterall, nearly six years ago. I think my freshman year was probably the last good year of my life. I say that in retrospect to the rest of my life, I mean, since then I've just had all these problems with all these things. Back then I was absolutely miserable, but it wasn't so bad, I was just very dramatic. You think you're so sad, and that's before you even have anything to really be sad about. And I still don't, but I think I do. It's a long and arduous process. it will probably continue until I die.
I say I love Kent but I'm not a very good resident. At least, not in terms of the music scene. I don't know what happened, exactly, but the music scene that existed two years ago has nearly vanished. And I don't mean to be biased or unfair to anybody, but I think a lot of it has to do with the hardcore business that's taken over nearly half the world. And don't you dare get me wrong, if it's your thing then it's your thing. If you're tough, you can't help it, right? Stay posi, for real. I'm just sick of this musical warfare we've created. It's punks vs skinheads all over again but with catchier beats and better breakdowns. I mean, what is going on, guys?
What the hell defines a scene kid? I want to know who coined the term "scene kid" because anybody involved in the scene at the time could be considered a "scene kid". But when you hear "scene kid" there's instantly this image, bang, right in front of you. And what happened to emo? I'm honestly curious. Because, and I want to be corrected if I'm wrong, it seems that all the emo kids ran out of slow, shoe-gazer ballads and started adding synths and drum machines and suddenly the boys who used to wear girl pants and had shaggy hair and glasses continued wearing girl pants but got better haircuts, contacts, piercings and tats and the girls are basically exactly like the boys but with boobs. How did the scene put an end to definable genders? And indie? There're too many subsidaries of "indie" to even begin to comprehend.
The thing with the scene is that it's going to end no matter what. No matter how much we try to keep it alive there's always going to be something funky fresh (that's sneakily just a repeat of something from the past put into a pretty, new costume to appeal to the kids of our time) and I think we have to just deal with it. (I'm secretly hoping the next big scene will be, like, industrial gothic). Eventually we're all going to grow up and have jobs and marriages and babies and all the things we're expected to have, and when CDs are obsolete and our children are around our age now we'll show them Death Cab for Cutie and fondly remember our preadolescence. You know? It's like those old guys with long hair who still listen to Iron Maiden. Will the old men of our generation wear girl pants?
So I'm not sure where I'm going with any of this. I guess it all started with my feelings about Starcrossed's unanticipated hiatus. Yeah, it's a sad day when you watch four boys with originally bad taste blossom and form one of the most defining local bands in our generation's indie music scene take a break for whatever the reasons. It's kind of like when a season of American Idol ends. You're content to have witnessed the climax but you're still a little unfufilled and nonplussed at the end result. (Am I a genius or what.) Yeah, I hope things work out and if the four don't decide to make sweet music together then they'd better use their brilliance to make sweet music with other people. Like Captain Planet, they used their individual talents to form this conglomerate of good feelings (the final element being us, the adoring fans, who danced and wiggled our fingers with the best of them). But even Captain Planet has to die, right? He deserves his peace after decades of fighting for racial unity and outlawing arsonists.
My point being, the memebers of Starcrossed deserve to die.
No, no. That's not it at all. I'm turd. Hey. I grew up in Kent. I was the ugly girl in middleschool. I was the ecclectic (and mostly ugly) girl in highschool. I had my labret pierced my sophomore year. I used to listen to pop punk and I admit it without shame. The first "indie band" I was ever aware of was Modest Mouse, sophomore year. I've been listening to Bjork since I understood what music was. I have always had a passion for being on stage. I am not a scene whore.
I sort of said all of this from an outward perspective. Yeah, I used to go to shows sometimes and I was friends with pretty much everyone in the Kent scene at one point or another, but all the talk about this great musical union doesn't hit close to home at all. I may have been sucked into it for brief periods at a time but it was never really anything I depended on. I was the singer for pine. Why didn't anybody tell me I sucked so bad? I am genuinely thankful that you all at least pretended to somewhat enjoy my screaming and really, I don't think I could have handled the honesty back then anyway. But this isn't about me, afterall.
You'd think the creator of this community would have a more active role in the real-life version of it, huh. I guess I've just come to terms with a lot of things. I've realized that I have neither the patience nor the effort necessary to deem myself truly indie. But that doesn't really matter, does it? Will it in ten years? Five, even? I'm not talented enough to be in a band. I'm not hot enough to be in the scene. I'm not sweet enough to be nu-metal. Where do I belong? Why am I bringing this back to me? I'm a diva, that's why, but you all knew that and don't tell me you didn't.
And yeah, maybe I am a little salty that I got to watch my friends turn into pretentious fucks who were too busy pleasing the masses to notice me in the crowd. Maybe I am a little bitter that I've been replaced with people who are so involved in the scene that they plan their lives according to it. It's fun, you know? This similar interest we all share is cool to be a part of, it unites us in a way that can only be expressed through speakers, but it's going to end one day.
And maybe it is because I'm not the queen supreme. I've always hated never being the pinacle of "it". I'm saying all of this as somebody who stayed soberingly normal while the rest of her friends became so freaking awesome that there was almost not enough room to put all of it. And I'm not going to tell you that I haven't wanted to be prominent in the scene before. It's every outsider's dream to be in the public eye, even if it's only on myspace. I mean, she's friends with, like, everybody. I've wanted turd to be like guns or pants. But it's not, and I'm over it.
Me, me, me.
Or maybe it's my shitty personality. But you don't think about those things.
I don't think I can possibly lead this into any sort of closure. I guess all I had to say was that even though I was hardly as devoted as most of you to Starcrossed, it's still going to take a little time to adjust to not seeing their name headlining e-flyers. You can't be sad about things like that. They're still cool dudes, they're still around and they're still going to rock us as hell. And I mean, reunion tour potential to the max. That is, if they decide not to end the hiatus, indefinitely.
I haven't died, guys. I'm still the most awesome girl you know.